I’m not taking any chances with you people.

Just kidding, they made me wear this at the walk in clinic when I went in with bronchitis in December. Seemed appropriate for the current climate. ha ha ha.

I miss my hair.

I’m not wearing a necklace today and I feel naked.

I honestly was like “Wait. I know I suck at math, but. Wait. No. No, that’s very wrong.”

Although why anyone is surprised by anything Brian Williams says …

Can you believe I’ve never seen a single Bloomberg ad? Neither can I. But it’s true.

I haven’t managed to accomplish a gotdamn thing today, and I’m not even sure I care.

Dammit. Now I need to squeeze in a big ass batch of bee balm.

I don’t have a laundry chair, I have a floordrobe.

Why does Amazon keep taking that book out of my cart and putting it in “save for later”?

Man. I’d love it if we closed in pandemic panic. Work from home for weeks? Sign me up, bitches.

Buy some cinnamon people!

I’m almost as sick of the virus as I am of the election.

I keep reading that as ectoplasty.

I don’t really care about your Coney Dogs.

I always thought Dr. Drew was rather an attractive man.

Introvert – check. Natural over-producer of Vitamin D – check. Chickens, I’m golden.

I used to urge people to vote. Now I urge people not to vote. Look what you’ve done to us with your voting. Biden is in my state yelling at people FFS. Enough of this foolishness.

Gah. Generations at work. Why do I feel like this is going to be a bunch of people telling me I’m doing it wrong because I’m old?

But what does she eat?

Yet another chaotic Wednesday leads to forgetting to post on Wednesday. May as well add to it I guess.

I have to say. I feel like we’re finally reaching the dystopian future I always expected to be living in.

How does that prove hands exist? It doesn’t.

I guess I didn’t add much at all. OH WELL. Blame it on COVID-19, bitches.

I guess that’s not as sharp as I’d like it to be.

They don’t stamp books any more. That kind of makes me sad in a nostalgic why does everything have to be so techhy way.

Tecchy way? WTF was I trying to type there?? Ohhhh Techy today. Weird.

Well, they stamp them at our little local library, I guess. So that’s something. The university just sends me an email telling me when stuff is due.

Never mind, I changed the photo.

I did not even know you could get a doctorate in semiotics, but that seems like a really geeky fun PhD.

I mean. I’m a states’ rights kinda girl, but there are limits.

Yeah, this is pretty much what I’ve been bitching about for the last decade +.

No one uses an ice pick on their windshield.

See? Now this is the kind of dollhouse I’d have on display to this day. Positively perfect in every way.

Clicked on the Google Doodle for Leap Day and a list of famous birthdays came up. First on the list? Richard Ramirez. (Still arguably the greatest apprehension tale in criminal history.)

This is bullshit.

Tried to contribute. Got ignored. Deleted it.

Why. Do. I. Bother.

and i don’t think i have ever seen a soul so in despair

“Under postmodernism, there’s no crime you can’t pin on somebody. You just claim you feel harmed or “unsafe” from something they’ve said or done – basically, take offence and run with it.”

Family vacation in Salem Mass would be pretty cool.

But why is the deer levitating?

Voltaire never said that.

Australopithecus is a fun word to say.

Maybe I’ll just skip the primary this year. Unless they stick other shit on it. Like shit that raises my taxes. Then I’ll go vote NO.

I can’t even remember what dude said about this shit.

That girl never says bless you.

I’m over the weird colored hair. Yes, even if I love you. I’m not talking about anyone specific. I’m talking about everyone specific.

I am become curmudgeonly.

I’m really fine with that.

“Despite blowing over $252 million on failed campaign, Tom Steyer says ‘Zero Regrets.'”

First of all. I cannot even comprehend the mind that can have zero regrets over wasting that kind of money. I mean Jesus H.

Second of all. I had never even heard the name Tom Steyer until a week ago, so clearly he made some really good choices with that cash.

Assholes. All of ’em.

“It smelled of dead things.”

Man my cube is dusty.

That libertarian test says I’m “Hardcore Libertarian,” which surprised me, to be honest, because I really sometimes think I’m not terribly libertarian at all, or at least small l libertarian, but more just independent on account of just leave me the hell alone.

Wait. You named your kid Audio Science?

This is what is wrong with the world.

There. I dusted.

Ooooh. I think I need to try Berroco’s Quinoa.

I’m not saying bless you to her any more. Let her be taken over by restless spirits. I don’t even care.

Well, there you have it.

Opine away.

I don’t need Facebook reminding me to vote, thanks.

“The effluvium arising from it is, in certain atmospheric conditions, pestilential.”

Where’s my gotdamn membership renewal gift, NRA?

While I’m quite sure that the author of this piece (apologies for linking to trash like Vox) did not intend to send this message, my take-away from it is this: Sorry white college educated Americans, but your countrymen are just too dumb to appreciate the gloriousness that is Elizabeth Warren.

And that is precisely one example of the kind of tone-deaf bullshit that got Trump elected last time.

I’m so out of it today I actually typed 1794 as my birth year.

Amash will likely always have my vote for pres. And my mailbox will always vote for him for Congress.

I especially like the part where the Gazette makes the hilarious claim that Whitmer has positioned herself as a moderate and has become known as a coalition builder. I almost peed my pants. Hi-larious.

I honestly meant to post this yesterday. I just got really caught up in that paper I was writing.

I can assure you, I will never be interested in purchasing The Yogurt Cookbook.

What’s another 9 credit hours, really?

Well, I can’t go to Cambodia, now can I?

Trying to stay away from a crutch for this.

I guess I looked and then forgot that I looked.

Of all the weird band names, that one’s always stood out as extra weird to me.

1776

Priorities!

“Great for the stupid that’s learning.” Interesting advertising, lady.

I love Facebook marketplace ads.

What fresh drama is this?

This is kind of gorgeous.

No, I don’t think I want to go on your Crime Cruise, thanks.

I wonder if I’ve developed allergies.

“Precious plant peoples.”

“A mother’s prayer is that her children love each other long after she is gone” … to the grocery store.

I’m sorry you don’t like my Instagram feed. It’s not at all likely to change.

I just don’t think fake poop on baked goods is appetizing.

Yes, I do still hate the word “hubby.”

Dude. Please. I beg of you. Stop using the word bricolage. We get it.

Table of Tables

I’d totally be an anarchist if I didn’t loathe chaos so much.

Apocalypticism.

But we don’t have a Ministry of Health.

Man. Now you just sound pretentious. No one talks like that.

Look, I can’t walk around behind you people turning lights off all goddamn day.

“It’s probably because of genetic genealogy.”

As opposed to … ?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but I totally forgot it was Wednesday for like 4.5 hours.

You get what you get I guess.

I bet someone reported it. I thought FB notified if you if your post was reported though.

You guys!

I was on a roll before the surgery. Now I’ve totally lost it. Which really kind of sucks.

Who the fuck eats a cinnamon roll like this?

This was surprisingly good. I actually couldn’t stop reading.

This is hilarious and this man’s head is an odd shape that is vaguely off-putting.

I had failed to notice that Labor Day is so late this year.

Blame it on February 29th.

And now I am talking to myself.

Talking to myself is not something I normally do.

Clearly this is a sign that I probably need an intervention of some kind.

“you cannot have 20, 30, 40, 50 clips in a weapon.” … well no, no you can’t.

OMG I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Now I get to listen to all of

I don’t think you’d say “peak … season is high.” You sort of imply the high by using peak. That’s what it means. Try harder.

Sinus drainage. Now I can’t breathe through the other side of my nose.

Jesus. Of course there is genuine evil in the world. What is wrong with people?

Yeah, no. You mean formerly. Not formally.

I think I need a break from the world.

The world would be a better place if

This talent is breathtaking. Thanks for sharing this JR.

Seriously. Stop. STOP. Stop putting so much fucking emphasis on these Myers Briggs type tests. They’re bloody fucking meaningless.

Fucking cults.

Amazon: We found something we think you might like. Hmmmm. Sure, Amazon. Sure thing.

Oh I wanted to read that book! Too bad I don’t have time til MAY.

Wait. I’m definitely not the advisor for College Republicans.

Honestly.

Jesus God. I haven’t seen that many ads on one page since the dawn of the internet.

Well, clearly no one gives a shit, so. I’ll just stop announcing things.

Dear Grove. Your website is always broken. It’s irritating. Love me.

Gonna go get some more pharmaceuticals now. Wheee.

It’s not Mackinack. That’s not how you say it.

Fuck. I utterly forgot about the BoT schedule.

I don’t really understand the Lizzo thing.

It’s shocking how many of these positions are requiring Master’s degrees when it clearly isn’t Master’s level work.

Quite sure I’ve said that before.

I have to relearn this stupid keyboard apparently.

My pants smell weird. Again.

This. Isn’t. Working.

Stop saying sportsball. You sound like a pretentious hipster who thinks you’re better than everyone else.

ARGH More new people. I don’t do well with new people.

That is not helpful.

No thank you.

I just do not get excited about knitting the way I used to. Thanks SJW mob.

Why is everybody always trying to make Finland sound so great?

I really truly deeply do not like my job.

Wow. Selling Alaska to the Russians. That’s even better than Guam capsizing.

I see the Psychedelic Furs are spending much of their US tour in Florida and Arizona. Where all the retirees are.

I don’t understand air plants.

Romeo and Juliet is not a romantic story.

Nice. Now I can’t read the Post Millennial without an account. I’m about done with you, internet.

Offered dream position. New budget model rips it out of my hands. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING.

I’ve woken up with this song in my head every day for weeks. WEEKS.

Maybe I’ll just end every sentence with a repeated phrase in all caps for emphasis. MAYBE.

My two hour meeting this afternoon just got canceled. So I got that goin’ for me I guess.

Well I guess this is going to be a short one. My suddenly free afternoon got filled with other crap. Of course.

OK, I definitely don’t think this is the right med for me.

Wow, she unfollowed all of my accounts. See ya.

My teeth hurt.

Theeth. Theet.

Yeah.

I borrowed it from the University of Michigan. I don’t think anyone’s ever checked it out before.

I can’t figure out how to do this.

I’m going to go drink now.

This may be hard to believe, but I really do try not to judge people. But when you get to work at 6:25 in the morning to find your usual parking space co-opted by a car absolutely covered in Bernie Sanders stickers, you have no choice but to shake your head in disgust and mutter about socialist assholes.

People still have MySpace pages? … Maybe they’re on to something.

I can never think of responses to these discussion posts. Like wow, that’s a really interesting perspective.

I am not interested in stories about con-men. They stress me out too much.

Do I smell weird today? I feel like I smell weird today.

I always did have a soft spot for Schumpeter. Ironically.

He should really stop doing that with his hair.

“A new fierce female PI takes on deadly internet scammers in Ghana.” meh

See. I thought it was dire. But it’s not. It’s dying. Dire works so much better there.

Dire geese.

I wish they made a perfume or cologne or oil blend that smelled like this candle.

I just didn’t think Little Women was that good of a book, that’s all.

The ERA is dead. Stop tryina resurrect it. Buncha political theater.

I don’t know why I was thinking that was near Grand Rapids. Sometimes I forget where stuff is. And just how sprawling Detroit suburbs are. Bleah.

I think everyone arguing for population control should be the first ones stepping in line for euthanasia.

Gah. Peas. Why are you so disgusting?

Look. I didn’t even know the queen had that many children.

Pretty sure I’m taking these courses in reverse order. On the plus, the highest level one is out of the way first.

Why is everybody always trying to add an extra N to confiscate? No one is confinscating. That’s not a thing.

Stop talking sense, Piers Morgan!

If there is one thing you should have learned from true crime, it’s that you should never submit your DNA to one of those databases.

I don’t care what anyone thinks, I can’t stop listening to James Blunt’s latest. Also? It had been so long since I listened to his first album, I had forgotten how much I loved that one.

It’s not really free if you’re paying for a subscription, now is it?

Um. No.

I find the oddest people attractive.

Ha. That woman thinks I’m an idiot.

You know, I never thought Rob Lowe was attractive in the 80s. Current Rob Lowe, however, is a damn good looking man.

What is the point in having books if you’re going to turn all the spines to the wall in some sort of misguided hipster aesthetic foolishness? “Shit, I’d love to loan you my copy of High Fidelity. If only I could see my book titles …”

Sorry, Nick Hornby, I actually really enjoy your work, but hipsters ruin everything. But also that was a totally hipster book.

I don’t know what I’m doing either.

I can’t help it if I’m awkward.

I’m glad typing that email felt familiar or I would have sent the exact same message to these people two days in a row, having forgotten that I sent it the first time.

I probably need some red shoes.

But you don’t even

God. Hillary Clinton. Stop.

Did hat really need to be a secure email? I have my doubts.

And just like that, the day got away from me.

Ew. What. Ew.

It’s generally not actually a conspiracy theory.

The past tense of sleepwalk is absolutely not slept walked.

Huh. I think I imagined that entire exchange.

Publishers Clearing House is still a thing?

I’m a secret Luddite.

See? It’s not that I’m a picky eater, it’s that I’m a Supertaster, and these foods are actually disgusting to me. I can’t control that. STOP JUDGING ME.

I thought of something when I was lying in bed last night that I wanted to put in Random and now I can’t remember what it was.

I know I’ve read this before. I’ve possibly shared this before. But this just feels like me.

That leg just looks … odd.

No one wants to talk to me. Fine.

Why are these British people talking about miles instead of kilometers?

I should be fine by then.

This is the first time since Obama was elected that my insurance premiums have gone down instead of up.

“grotesque manifestation of self-congratulatory debauchery”

I need this shirt and I cannot find it anywhere.

Is that like fist bump?

purgatory maybe

God I hate Ravelry. But it’s the easiest place to keep my patterns.

Gnome, gnome on the range.

I wish this stupid floater would get off my eyeball.

Dear students everywhere. Your major should not actually be capitalized. Stop doing it.

Great. The woman who sells candles called “This Smells Like My Vagina” is now being held aloft as a champion of natural hair color. No fucking thank you. Get off our bandwagon, you loon.

Also? Her dress was a hideous mess.

What. Evidently this semester I take study breaks to be catty.

Also I was here first.

OK I’m done. Probably.

Order Post Its.

Not Post Toasties.

I had not intended to spend my entire day reading statistics. It’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

Is it bad that I just want to start The Mentalist over at the beginning even though I just watched the whole thing?

So I guess the answer is just squat more then?

It is straight up bullshit that you’re making me use FMLA for this. What a waste of fucking time.

the surprising science behind

Huh. I never thought about scents being extinct.

I have less than no interest in that.

well i hear you’re drivin’ someone else’s car now

Well, it seemed like a reasonable question to me.

“Ready to level up your working knowledge of math?” Absolutely not.

Of course she didn’t answer my question.

It’s a collection. Of sorts.

I don’t know who just came in here using rose scented shit but you’re about to die. Holy fuck. That hurts.

It’s not actually a musical instrument.

My mood is rapidly failing. Perhaps I should

keylogger. hmmmm.

That was a deeply unsatisfying article.

Sure would be nice to not be sick any more. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, really.

No, but every word of this is true.

Pretty sure I’m going to fall asleep sitting here.

I’m not sure why I should care.

Stop blaming everything on the “Satanic Panic.”

It’s not “all the sudden.” It just isn’t.

I don’t know who is formatting all these official university emails, but they’re way too big to fit in a normal email window and frankly, I’m not scrolling back and forth and up and down to read your shit.

Everyone is so bossy and self-righteous this time of year, while pretending to be supportive and encouraging. Shut up and do your own thing. 

It’s not like I can just sit around reading.

I cannot remember why I signed up for this email.

Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.

I don’t know why that Baby Yoda is so stinkin’ cute, but dammit. It’s just so stinkin’ cute.

WTF kind of name is Raddix? That sounds like some kind of pest control product.

You know what? My head really fucking hurts.

I’m sure that comes as a shock to you.

I sent around 100 Christmas cards this year. I received around 12. I think it may be time to hang it up.

And just like that, it was January.

I feel like I should be panicking, but I’m just too tired.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read an email without a snotty tone. Just because of the way it’s worded. I’d like to not be offended by your bitchery, but it’s just so bitchy.

I hate these people so much.

I just received an email that opened “Hello Jennisen,” That’s a new one.

My name doesn’t matter. It’s totally fine.

You’re either a Returner or you’re wrong.

But what even is X?

Goofball. Sheesh.

STIMULANTS!!!!

“Rub some dirt on it, spit on it, and walk it off.” That’s essentially my parenting doctrine. Also I need to read this book, because she sounds like my kind of chick.

But in like a year, after I graduate. Because I clearly do not have time now.

Also I’m fairly certain I read her IDW piece that’s referenced in this interview.

Yes. Well.

Not a good look when you get pulled over in the official company delivery car, kid.

I could always take up smoking again.

Relax, I’m joking.

I’m legit having a hard time coming up with a thousand words.

Everything just comes out wrong anyway.

Yeah, but I bet you won’t talk about the benefits of human composting.

There’s nothing wrong with addressing everyone in a room as “guys.” It’s as “inclusive” as you can get. You use it on both men and women. If you find it offensive, you probably should GTFO of the Midwest, first of all. But come on. If you find it offensive, you’re actively trying to be offended. I refuse to stop using this word.

Teams has the potential for being a really useful tool, but the notifications system is trash. I am constantly missing messages and posts.

kind of everyone’s trial is staticy sometimes

I readily admit that this has, in fact, been me more than one winter.

Another shirt I absolutely don’t need, but really really want. I’m being good and not ordering it.

It’s cheese, Gromit!!!!

And this is just one of the many reasons we are best bitches.

Well. That’s not me.

What was the point in allowing dude to recover, just to ask him if he recognized you, and when he said no, you murdered him. That makes zero sense.

I don’t know why, but I feel like my Amazon wishlist is super dull right now.

Who wants to send me to the 2020 ADEC conference for a week? Anyone? Anyone at all.

Póg mo thóin, Biden.

OK, but what if I’m actually right about my Red John suspicion?

OMG “humble bragging about his pecs.” Ha.

I dunno. Complaining about snow in Michigan in December just seems a little ridiculous.

This is pretty cool.

Whatever will you all do when I finally retire Little Justin Timberlake?

It’s the voice. THE VOICE.

It’s none of those people though. That list. None of those people.

I don’t care what anyone says, Highlander is a good movie.

As far as I’m concerned, I don’t know you.

I wonder what happened to my FIRE tee. I wish I had a YAL tee.

YES.

High

I have no idea what I was about to type there. I swear I am not high.

Is there a crystal that effectively serves as an invisibility cloak? Cos I need one of those.

Worried you’re going to retire in a bear market? Um. I don’t even know what that means.

Also? It’s not like I’m going to be able to retire.

Unless I become wholly self sufficient by then. Farming wise I mean. I need to buy different land. Probably in a different state.

Well I’m trying to stay awake.

SHIT. I just remembered I don’t get to go home at 5. Pardon me while I crawl under my desk and cry.

It’s not like I’m getting paid.

oh. ok then.

OK THEN

I mean. It’s a blend.

I feel like I haven’t slept in 3 days.

This just in: Rømmegrøt  still revolting.

SOIEGn”SOEIBNS”Rbinzfbnzfdlkbn
SrboiHEPgj

Reasonably accurate.

a whole universe

Clearly I am working for the wrong employer.

I don’t know. I’d rather have like a nice lasagna or something for Thanksgiving dinner. Pork chops? Cuban pulled pork! Not ham. Not really a ham fan.

“Barack Obama is a conservative.” Now that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever read on the interwebs.

Miss Dolly, Queen of Everything

Google has Black Friday in my phone as a ‘holiday in the US’. Um no.

Yeah, yeah, change is hard. But the new candy canes are legitimately awful.

I don’t know. I feel like I should feel worse than I do. Maybe I just haven’t had time.

it’s just that

It took me FOREVER to start listening to podcasts because I hated them. Now I go in fits and starts. I listen to nothing but to and from work for a good month. Then I can’t take it any more and stop for months on end. This is hilarious.

But I’m still hoping to start my own death education podcast, notwithstanding.

No, I won’t knit you a Mr. Rogers sweater.

It’s not racist to dislike a type of food. Shut the fuck up.

STILL HATE CHINESE FOOD

The “gonna tell my kids” memes are dumb. Stop. It’s like you blew all your energy on the cat and Epstein and you’re trying too hard when really you should just be taking a break. They’re not funny.

I don’t think Patrick Jane is a psychopath. I love him.

OK, but the new ones are still ugly.

I’ve wanted to visit this island for a long time.

Jesus. I can’t concentrate on anything.

And why is it so fucking hot in here?

I need a perfume oil that smells like this candle: leather and oak.

Sorry. the short week threw me off.

Gobble gobble.

what in the what??

Why yes, I do spend the majority of my waking hours engaged in an activity that is not life-affirming.

Arrrrghhhhhh wet socks.

I can’t for the life of me remember where I put all the tiny props for Little Justin Timberlake.

Shit.

I don’t even get the Hallmark Channel.

No thanks.

Homemade Lunchables for life.

I need a new remote for my bloody camera. Again. Dammit.

I’m a good choice for Giving Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or any other day.

No one cares if you don’t go to school, angry little Swedish girl.

there’s a million little battles that

No come on. Biden is missing a whole handful of screws. They’re not just loose. Y’all can’t be serious with this guy.

I just want a nap. I JUST WANT A NAP.

And why is it so fucking bright in here?

I almost have the whole Red John thing figured out. Almost.

FAT

Already 100% over Christmas and trying very very very hard not to be.

Come on, son.

Oh good. Anxiety stomach. Fucking yay.

OK, it’s dark now. It’s not even 5. This is bullshit.

BULLSHIT.